Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Bedazzle Your Resume Today!

In September I was laid off from a temporary job with the U.S. Census Bureau, a fascinating, nine-month-long position about which I will write more later.

Now I am unemployed and I am searching for a job. During my search efforts, I am collecting unemployment benefits from the State of Kansas. I feel no shame in this; that's exactly what the benefits are there for, to lend a helping hand to the millions of people like me who are looking for work.

A couple weeks ago I received a letter from the Kansas Department of Revenue which stated, essentially, that I'd been "selected" to received re-employment services from the Kansas Workforce Center. I was told to report on Nov. 2 to meet with a re-employment specialist.

What I gleaned from the letter - and today what I found out is absolutely true - is that I'd been randomly selected by the State to make sure I was actually looking for work, and not simply claiming benefits for a living.

I have no problem with this. I understand the State has to make sure people aren't abusing the system. I filled out the form with the names of some of the companies I had queried, although I could have written a whole lot more had the form been longer.

Today during my appointment I met with a re-employment specialist. She was a very nice lady who gave me some helpful suggestions for where to look for a job, such as the internet. At the end of our appointment she asked if I would like her to take a look at my resume, and I obliged.

After glancing at my resume for, at most, one third of a second, the very nice lady said - verbatim - "Your resume needs some work, Matthew. This resume is boring."

What was boring about the resume was not apparently the content, since she did not have time to read it, but the font, the lack of color and, I don't know, perhaps the paper weight. She recommended that I come to a resume writing class at the workforce center and referred me to another very nice person whom she labeled "The Resume Guru."

The Guru said the resume workshop would be very helpful for me, and to prove it he showed me a copy of his own resume. Emblazoned in 18-point script font (yes, script) was the Guru's name. A thick black border surrounded the entire document, and the resume itself was written using, at a minimum, four fonts of varying sizes and styles.

This was the resume of The Resume Guru.

I smiled, handed the lovely document back to the Guru, and said I'd be sure to stop by for the next resume writing workshop.

But I'm afraid I won't be able to make it. After my appointment today, I got a job.

That's right... I'm starting my own business:

Matt Kelsey's Resume Boutique!

Is your resume a plain, boring, readable document? Throw that sucker in the trash! Come to Matt Kelsey's Resume Boutique, and we will bedazzle, bejewel and make a bespectacle out of your resume!

No work experience? NO PROBLEM! Matt Kelsey's Resume Boutique specializes in filling out YOUR resume with the prettiest utter nonsense you've ever seen! Your resume will LITERALLY jump into the hands of future employers! The job offers will LITERALLY roll in!

Act fast to take advantage of our limited time offer - TWO FONTS for the PRICE OF ONE!

1 comment:

  1. Matt, you will find that 1-half of all your regular folks who do not buy proper insurance against the future, also do not know the difference between their own posterior and a hole in the ground. You will find they know 1-half of nothing about anything, let alone about finding a job. Take your average ball player. If he is more interested in how high to wear his pants or what to do with the brim of his cap, except to keep rain out of his eyes, he is probably no better hitter than middling and not likely to get more than 1 hit in 1 game. Just let your fastball speak for itself is my advice.

    Signed: Henry Wiggen