Bedazzle Your Resume Today!

In September I was laid off from a temporary job with the U.S. Census Bureau, a fascinating, nine-month-long position about which I will write more later.

Now I am unemployed and I am searching for a job. During my search efforts, I am collecting unemployment benefits from the State of Kansas. I feel no shame in this; that's exactly what the benefits are there for, to lend a helping hand to the millions of people like me who are looking for work.

A couple weeks ago I received a letter from the Kansas Department of Revenue which stated, essentially, that I'd been "selected" to received re-employment services from the Kansas Workforce Center. I was told to report on Nov. 2 to meet with a re-employment specialist.

What I gleaned from the letter - and today what I found out is absolutely true - is that I'd been randomly selected by the State to make sure I was actually looking for work, and not simply claiming benefits for a living.

I have no problem with this. I understand the State has to make sure people aren't abusing the system. I filled out the form with the names of some of the companies I had queried, although I could have written a whole lot more had the form been longer.

Today during my appointment I met with a re-employment specialist. She was a very nice lady who gave me some helpful suggestions for where to look for a job, such as the internet. At the end of our appointment she asked if I would like her to take a look at my resume, and I obliged.

After glancing at my resume for, at most, one third of a second, the very nice lady said - verbatim - "Your resume needs some work, Matthew. This resume is boring."

What was boring about the resume was not apparently the content, since she did not have time to read it, but the font, the lack of color and, I don't know, perhaps the paper weight. She recommended that I come to a resume writing class at the workforce center and referred me to another very nice person whom she labeled "The Resume Guru."

The Guru said the resume workshop would be very helpful for me, and to prove it he showed me a copy of his own resume. Emblazoned in 18-point script font (yes, script) was the Guru's name. A thick black border surrounded the entire document, and the resume itself was written using, at a minimum, four fonts of varying sizes and styles.

This was the resume of The Resume Guru.

I smiled, handed the lovely document back to the Guru, and said I'd be sure to stop by for the next resume writing workshop.

But I'm afraid I won't be able to make it. After my appointment today, I got a job.

That's right... I'm starting my own business:

Matt Kelsey's Resume Boutique!

Is your resume a plain, boring, readable document? Throw that sucker in the trash! Come to Matt Kelsey's Resume Boutique, and we will bedazzle, bejewel and make a bespectacle out of your resume!

No work experience? NO PROBLEM! Matt Kelsey's Resume Boutique specializes in filling out YOUR resume with the prettiest utter nonsense you've ever seen! Your resume will LITERALLY jump into the hands of future employers! The job offers will LITERALLY roll in!

Act fast to take advantage of our limited time offer - TWO FONTS for the PRICE OF ONE!

Attachments

Today is my last day at a temporary job that has lasted for nearly nine months.

Over that span of time, I have grown attachments to many of my co-workers. Attachments that are much stronger than the ones I've formed with co-workers at other, non-temporary jobs, some of whom I worked with for three or four years.

It's just hitting me today how much I'll miss my friends.

I don't know what it is about temporary assignments. But this isn't the first time it's happened to me.

Ten years ago this summer (ugh... that makes me feel old), I was awarded an internship in Washington, D.C., with the U.S. Department of Education. The internship itself was fulfilling, but the best part of my summer was my off-work hours.

The internship was through Phi Theta Kappa, the honor society for community colleges. That year Phi Theta Kappa sent 20 students to D.C. for internships, and we all roomed together in a handful of dorm rooms at The George Washington University (our dorm building was named Jacqueline Bouvier Kennedy Onassis Hall).

Over that span, I came to know some of those 20 students better than I know people I grew up with and went to school with my entire life. And to this day I consider some of them my very best friends. Others in the group I've lost contact with, but occasionally I'll run a web search to try and find a phone number or e-mail address, and I often think back to those days with fond memories.

This current experience is a lot like that. I've discovered lifelong friends here.

The good news is, all of my co-workers are local. During my DC internship, I was with people from Chicago, San Fransisco, New York, Florida and all points in between. So there's a much better chance that I'll be able to stay in contact with these folks.

I don't know what it is about temporary assignments.

But the quick bonds you form are often more permanent than any other relationships in your life.

--Matt Kelsey

Muscle control

I worked a 14-hour day on Monday.

It's not the first time I've done something like that, and likely won't be the last. But maybe this is a sign that I'm getting older:

I arrived at the job at 10 a.m. and I left just before midnight. By 11:15 p.m., I started losing my motor skills, one by one. First I lost the ability to draw a straight line, which was critical for the task I was completing. Byt 11:30, I was having trouble with reading and comprehension. I'd read a word or a series of numbers, and then I'd have to re-read it seven or eight times to make any sense out of it. I found walking difficult. So I overcompensated, like an experienced drinker, by slowly placing one foot in front of the other. My speech was low and slow, again overcompensating.

So I called it a day. And I very carefully drove home.

Which, in hindsight, was pretty stupid.

-- Matt Kelsey