Saturday, September 4, 2010

Go ahead and die already: Advice to aging hipsters

Here is our advice to the aging hipsters out there clogging up the system:

1. We don't really give a damn if you saw The Who in their first American tour. Stop telling us you saw Jimi Hendrix, The Doors, or The Beach Boys when Glenn Campbell filled in on guitar. Who the hell was Glenn Campbell? How good could a concert be that you paid twelve bucks to get in? This is just boring and we don't really care. We wouldn't care if you told us you caught Beethoven live. BTW: You should have taken The Who's advice and died before you got old.

2. Stop yelling at us about our gadgets. You didn't have them when you were our age, which is not our problem. And don't decide to take up texting now. You have a hard enough time driving your Honda in a straight line.

3. When we come into McDonalds with our kid in the car seat, stop looking at us like you're trying to figure out how old we are. If you'd had the same chance when you were fourteen and you didn't happen to have a condom in your wallet, (or a wallet for that matter) you'd have done the same thing we did. Tell you what -- you don't worry about our sex lives and we'll try not to throw up thinking about yours.

4. And by the way, just because you hitch your pants up just below your man-breasts doesn't give you the right to tsk, tsk, because you can see some of our boxers. Don't even try to tell us you never wore anything funky. What about those bell-bottom pants you just had to have from Temple Slug. Jeeeeze. And what was that strawberry incense you bought each week at Strawberry Fields supposed to cover up?

5. Wear a helmet when you ride the new Harley you bought with a chunk of your kid's inheritance. We aren't worried about your health. We thought we made that clear. It's just that out on 69-Bypass around 103rd, the afternoon sun glinting off your bald head is gonna cause a big time wreck which will make us late for class at JCCC.

6. We don't want to hear about how good your mother's fried chicken was. It couldn't have been as good a Popeyes' and it took a lot longer than seven minutes to get on your plate.

7. We absolutely don't want to hear any more about how baseball players can't bunt these days. Nobody cares about baseball anymore anyway. If you want to do something constructive, try to learn soccer.

8. What's more, we've heard all we want to hear about that game you and your crotchety, broken down buddies play with softballs. That game is more like croquet than baseball. And baseball is more like coquette than football or soccer. And don't even start in about Bill Russell. We've heard it one million and one times. LaBron makes more money every minute than Bill Russell did in his entire sorry career.

9. If you want to read books, fine. Don't foist that crap off on us. If God wanted us to read books He wouldn't have created Control-C / Control V. Oh, and don't start in about newspapers. If the person who delivers the news on TV doesn't have decent cleavage, we don't need to know about it.

10. Just go ahead and die, will ya, and get your single-tasking self out of the way.

-- Matt, Dylan, Jacob, Trent and Williamson.

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